life and what we make of it

most people dont know that my biggest fear is loneliness. i think its about time i face reality and that is that i am alone. i run into friends in the store and its almost uncomfortable because i havent kept in contact like i said i would. i remember my sister telling me once that my smile makes her smile. we were like 8 years old then but it made me smile to think i could affect someone like that. now i find it hard to smile at all. ive become something i never wanted to be. but the worst part of all of this is that its all my fault. i could try to say "they should have called and invited me out" or "they just quit talking to me" but the truth is ive just shut myself away. sometimes i cant even think straight anymore. i wanna just fold up and cry until i cant breathe anymore. my life has become everything that i always said i would stay away from. im working and have been since the beginning of march but its all i do. im still broke i dont feel like ive been getting anywhere in life. im single again after being dumped again. my family would rather i not be where i am but cant even say anything to me. my dad is constantly yelling at me. i go to work and am told im worthless. ive taken up smoking cigarettes, i drink, im crabby almost all the time. i just feel like ive lost my spark. sitting here thinking i realized my spark was my friends. all the people who used to hang out with me and make me smile their all gone. i hate who ive become because ive become a bitter old man at the age of 21. and it drives me nuts. the problem is that everything wrong with me is because i chose to be like that. i keep telling myself that as soon as i get on top of things then ill be ok that everything will go back to the way it was but i know it wont. deep down i know that its a fucked situation. i mean with who ive become i cant blame anyone for not being around me but i need everyone to help me change. i need friends who now how i feel and even if they dont theyll still listen and give advice to me. i wish i could turn back the clock. go back to school and pay attention because i know somewhere in there they taught everyone else how to survive in this world. i wish i new to who or why im writing this. i just needed to write i guess. i have a few people in my life who have touched me deep enough to hurt when i think about them.

jace, your my best friend and have been forever. i wish you would have come back up to alaska so i could hang out with you. you always new how to have a good time and i hope thats what your doing.

erika, you taught me how to handle my emotions and although you will never read this and i dont really care i think of you way too much. i miss you and your family whom i am too ashamed to visit cause ive failed so far in life.

darrick, you were just like my until you finished school. im so glad for you that you took the other path and will be a huge success one day.

jamie, you were always wild and crazy with you sammie and rachel i never had a dull moment, its too bad we lost touch but thats how life is i guess.

brenton, you showed me the kind of confidence i wish i could find in myself. your always ready for the next step and you never let things drag you down. keep that cause your gonna need it.

for everyone else who reads this and i missed im sorry but i cant think much anymore. at the age of 21 i feel im ready to die. not that im going to its just how i feel. im tired of the loneliness that is my life.

my journal has always been a mess of emotions but i feel this is me. for everyone to see this sad depressed soul is all thats left. i dont know how or when or why but i cant find the old me inside anymore and it makes me cry to think about. all i ever wanted was a family and the love that comes with it but in my search ive driven everyone away and i cant start over cause im not strong enough to do it on my own. i .... thats all i can say right now. ill write again if anyone reads this and wants me to.
please keep in touch cause i miss you guys with all my heart.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely

(no subject)

10 Firsts...
-First Best Friend: sean moore
-First Imaginary Friend: elemen-o-pee (dont ask)
-First Pet dog name: freckles
-First Piercing: My ear, in the fourth grade
-First Crush: a girl named megan i dont remember her last name
-First CD: Pearl Jam
-First Car: skyblue 1985 ford mustang hatchback, it didnt run but i was gonna fix it til my dad gave it away.
-First School: Butte Elementary
-First Kiss: linda wells

9 Lasts...
-Last Time You Smoked: about an hour ago
-Last Food You Ate: cereal
-Last Car Ride: from fred meyers palmer to home
-Last Movie You Watched: the passion of christ
-Last Phone Call: karla last night
-Last CD You listened to: nirvana
-Last Bubble Bath You took: dont remember
-Last Song You listened to: when i come around, i know it doesnt add up to the last cd but trust me
-Last Fight: been a while, ive had arguements but not fights

8 Have You Ever...
-Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: yes
-Have You Ever Been Arrested: Nope and dont plan to be
-Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no
-Have You Ever Been on TV: the news when i was about 12
-Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: definitly
-Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: yes unfortunately
-Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: Again, yea
-Have You Ever Been out of the Country: No

7 Things You are Wearing...
– necklace
- shirt
- pants
– underwear
– left sock
– right sock
– Sneakers

6 Things You've Done Today...
– ate breakfast
- played with chubs my dog
- watched a movie
- checked my email
- read alittle from my book
- started this survey

- 5 Favorite Things (no specific order)...
- smiles
- laughter
- reading
- friends
- family

4 People You Most Trust (no specific order)...
– darrick
- brenton
- jamie
- my older brother

3 Choices...
-Vanilla or Chocolate: chocolate
-Hugs or Kisses: hugs
-Pens or Pencils: Pens.

2 Things You Want to do Before You Die...
- have a family
- go sky diving

1 Person You Want to see
- Jacob, my older brother
  • Current Music

(no subject)

I remember....

i remember swimming with razor sharp nails.

i remember a guy who didnt want to show emotion.

i remember "squishy"

i remember halloween fog coming from the inside of the truck

i remember a bear who took me in. (teddy or otherwise)

i remember the ice fight at 10 pm

i remember a summer without a care.

i remember the materia.

i remember a pole being in the way of returning one girl home from a night out

i remember gormans generals and the girl who helped me survive while i was there.

i remember the girl who didnt want to learn to swing dance.

i remember the group that told me its ok to be who you are.

i remember a guy who had to apologize for things he had said.

i remember the good and bad times.

i remember....
  • Current Mood
    drunk drunk

(no subject)

You scored as Mathematics. You should be a Math major! Like Pythagoras, you are analytical, rational, and when are always ready to tackle the problem head-on!






























What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

you know i have always said that i love math. hmm?

anyway i just spent today at universal studios. that was a blast, ive never been on a rollercoaster of that size or magnitude before. yesterday i watched my only sister get married to a good man, man do i feel sorry for him in five years. but if everything works out like i should that statement should be mute anyway. ummm.... not sure who reads this anymore so i dont really know what to say. im sick of being colder indoors than outside tho. i bought a leather jacket for when i get home and i got my sweetheart something i hope she likes. sorry but i couldnt find anything that had to do with fairys. :P anyway thats all i can think of to say so ill talk with you all in a few days cause i dont get in until really really late tomorrow night. ie 1150pm so im gonna see everyone after about 2 pm the following day right? write back and i might just keep updating peps but i hate doing this and getting no response.
  • Current Music


Name:John Till
Birthday:february 26 1985
Birthplace:palmer ak
Current Location:Eagle River Ak
Eye Color:blue or green depending on the day
Hair Color:blondeish red
Height:6 foot
Right Handed or Left Handed:left handed
Your Heritage:european mutt
The Shoes You Wore Today:work boots
Your Weakness:being tickled
Your Fears:being alone
Your Perfect Pizza:lots of mushrooms, olives, and sausage
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:make it to the end of the next year
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:hi
Thoughts First Waking Up:why????
Your Best Physical Feature:my stomach i think
Your Bedtime:whenever i want it to be
Your Most Missed Memory:my mom
Pepsi or Coke:pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:Macdonalds
Single or Group Dates:single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:dont drink tea unless its herbal orange tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:chocolate for sure
Cappuccino or Coffee:coffee
Do you Smoke:yes
Do you Swear:yes
Do you Sing:i try
Do you Shower Daily:yea if i go home
Have you Been in Love:yes
Do you want to go to College:no, i just finished trade school
Do you want to get Married:yes
Do you belive in yourself:i dont know
Do you get Motion Sickness:no
Do you think you are Attractive:not particularly
Are you a Health Freak:no
Do you get along with your Parents:yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:i love them
Do you play an Instrument:i try to play the guitar and i used to play sax
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yes
In the past month have you Smoked:yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:yes
In the past month have you gone on a Date:umm.... kinda
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:yes
Ever been Drunk:yes
Ever been called a Tease:no
Ever been Beaten up:yes
Ever Shoplifted:yes
How do you want to Die:saving someone i love or really care about or just keel over
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:happy
What country would you most like to Visit:scotland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:blue
Favourite Hair Color:blonde
Short or Long Hair:shoulder length, not sure where that falls
Height:umm... between 5'0" and 5'9"
Weight:doesnt matter as long as shes not too large and i cant see her ribs when her arms are at her sides
Best Clothing Style:relaxed
Number of Drugs I have taken:dont know
Number of CDs I own:not enough anymore
Number of Piercings:none
Number of Tattoos:1 but getting more
Number of things in my Past I Regret:alot


umm.... geez dont really know what to say but im working with my dad when we can get work so if you cant reach me thats why. hmm.... someone needs to help me come up with something to do so i can hang out with Karla.... please help me.
  • Current Music
    a movie ~ PayBack

merry xmas`

well everything seems to be going good. i took a quiz and these are the results

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Monday I turned debuttman in for eating carbs (3 points). In July I gave gabriel_angel a kidney (1000 points). In August I bought porn for laina_inverse (-10 points). In September I ruled Canada as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In June I broke aurora_ione's X-Box (-12 points).

Overall, I've been nice (281 points). For Christmas I deserve a new bike!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

i have a girlfriend now. we just started dating this weekend so its still all new. if your curious as to who or you havent already figured it out then give me a call or pay attention to my later posts im sure youll pick it up somewhere. anyway, my dad and i are going to work tomorrow. fun fun. i get to break my back but make good money while im doing it. but thats about all i can think to post right now.

ps. oh yea i graduated from job corps so im no longer there. im back out at my dads house. everyone that came over this last weekend thanks for the great time i had a blast and i will call if i have your number. anyway i gotta go bye.
  • Current Music
    sounds of the keyboard typing


you know things in life seem to be all fucked up right now. ive told someone who was supposed to be my bestfriend that i cant put up with the lack of attention i recieve. i try to keep in touch but without numbers its so hard and whenever i do call i almost always recieve an answer by the voice mail machine and i hate it. ive been working so hard at getting over my fear of loneliness but i dont think this is one i can face head on. thats whats happening. i know i havent posted in a while and this is depressing but i am reading about how my friends are falling apart; arguing, backstabbing, etc. this is a group whom used to be so close that you couldnt have said hi to one without getting 8 responses. i would choose not to have this in my life but it is. im losing all the people who have cared about me and who think of me but its.... i dont know.

on the lighter side i have recieved my class B cdl. anyway i have to go im in class right now.


this was suprisingly accurate to the way i feel. please take a look at the results.

ColorQuiz.com gerek took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Seeks an affectionate relationship, offering fulfi..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

  • Current Music

(no subject)

So you need Healing (56%), Knowledge (50%), Inspiration (10%), and Strength (81%)?
Archangel Gabriel is the Angel of mercy and harmony, and the protector of all that is pure and innocent. He assists humans in developing and utilizing their intuitive ability and grants wisdom in interpreting dreams and visions.

Gabriel assists us in the realization of our total potential, and harmonizes all necessary factors which will aid us in achieving your goals. He takes away sorrow and helps us find happiness, offers inspiration and divine inner strength during times when there appears to be little to be joyful about, and diminishes self-destructive tendencies by replacing them with gentle growth of new hope.

Gabriel is also traditionally known as the great communicator for the Divine. So he is especially able to help with inner communications between our conscious and subconscious, as well as provide practical support for effective communications in our outer, day-to-day life. He supports artists in expressing themselves, helps them to think clearly and encourages them to remain with their ideas until their masterpiece is finished. He is the Patron Angel of writers and journalists whom he aids in getting their messages out to the world.

One of Gabriel's tasks is to guide the souls of unborn babies through their mother’s pregnancy. He spends the nine months informing the new person of what he or she will need to know on Earth, and just before its birth he will silence the child by pressing his finger onto the child's lips in order to ensure the safety of the secrets of divine wisdom, thus producing the cleft below a person's nose. It is called the “Sign of Gabriel’s Touch”.

A Bit of Trivia:

Gabriel is one of the four greatest Archangels, the other three being Raphael, Michael, and Uriel. Just like Ariel and Jophiel, Gabriel is sometimes referred to as a female. He corresponds with the Water signs, Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio. He is considered the Angel of the Moon and thus the ruler of Monday, the day of gentleness and intuition. His symbols are the chalice and fountain representing purification and rejuvenation, but also the white lily and jasmine standing for purity. He can be seen on the Tarot card Key 20 – Judgement, which shows him in his role as the resurrecting force. This card causes confusion as the trumpet is generally though of as a symbol of the angel Israfel.

Jophiel - Michael - Israfel - Raziel - Ariel - Uriel - Gabriel - Raphael - Zadkiel - Jeremiel

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 77% on Healing

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You scored higher than 29% on Knowledge

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You scored higher than 4% on Inspiration

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You scored higher than 95% on Strength
Link: The Angel Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid

i saw this and decided that i really agree with these results. ive always liked the archangel Gabriel the most.
  • Current Music
    jack johnson crying shame