most people dont know that my biggest fear is loneliness. i think its about time i face reality and that is that i am alone. i run into friends in the store and its almost uncomfortable because i havent kept in contact like i said i would. i remember my sister telling me once that my smile makes her smile. we were like 8 years old then but it made me smile to think i could affect someone like that. now i find it hard to smile at all. ive become something i never wanted to be. but the worst part of all of this is that its all my fault. i could try to say "they should have called and invited me out" or "they just quit talking to me" but the truth is ive just shut myself away. sometimes i cant even think straight anymore. i wanna just fold up and cry until i cant breathe anymore. my life has become everything that i always said i would stay away from. im working and have been since the beginning of march but its all i do. im still broke i dont feel like ive been getting anywhere in life. im single again after being dumped again. my family would rather i not be where i am but cant even say anything to me. my dad is constantly yelling at me. i go to work and am told im worthless. ive taken up smoking cigarettes, i drink, im crabby almost all the time. i just feel like ive lost my spark. sitting here thinking i realized my spark was my friends. all the people who used to hang out with me and make me smile their all gone. i hate who ive become because ive become a bitter old man at the age of 21. and it drives me nuts. the problem is that everything wrong with me is because i chose to be like that. i keep telling myself that as soon as i get on top of things then ill be ok that everything will go back to the way it was but i know it wont. deep down i know that its a fucked situation. i mean with who ive become i cant blame anyone for not being around me but i need everyone to help me change. i need friends who now how i feel and even if they dont theyll still listen and give advice to me. i wish i could turn back the clock. go back to school and pay attention because i know somewhere in there they taught everyone else how to survive in this world. i wish i new to who or why im writing this. i just needed to write i guess. i have a few people in my life who have touched me deep enough to hurt when i think about them.
jace, your my best friend and have been forever. i wish you would have come back up to alaska so i could hang out with you. you always new how to have a good time and i hope thats what your doing.
erika, you taught me how to handle my emotions and although you will never read this and i dont really care i think of you way too much. i miss you and your family whom i am too ashamed to visit cause ive failed so far in life.
darrick, you were just like my until you finished school. im so glad for you that you took the other path and will be a huge success one day.
jamie, you were always wild and crazy with you sammie and rachel i never had a dull moment, its too bad we lost touch but thats how life is i guess.
brenton, you showed me the kind of confidence i wish i could find in myself. your always ready for the next step and you never let things drag you down. keep that cause your gonna need it.
for everyone else who reads this and i missed im sorry but i cant think much anymore. at the age of 21 i feel im ready to die. not that im going to its just how i feel. im tired of the loneliness that is my life.
my journal has always been a mess of emotions but i feel this is me. for everyone to see this sad depressed soul is all thats left. i dont know how or when or why but i cant find the old me inside anymore and it makes me cry to think about. all i ever wanted was a family and the love that comes with it but in my search ive driven everyone away and i cant start over cause im not strong enough to do it on my own. i .... thats all i can say right now. ill write again if anyone reads this and wants me to.
please keep in touch cause i miss you guys with all my heart.
-First Best Friend: sean moore
-First Imaginary Friend: elemen-o-pee (dont ask)
-First Pet dog name: freckles
-First Piercing: My ear, in the fourth grade
-First Crush: a girl named megan i dont remember her last name
-First CD: Pearl Jam
-First Car: skyblue 1985 ford mustang hatchback, it didnt run but i was gonna fix it til my dad gave it away.
-First School: Butte Elementary
-First Kiss: linda wells
-Last Time You Smoked: about an hour ago
-Last Food You Ate: cereal
-Last Car Ride: from fred meyers palmer to home
-Last Movie You Watched: the passion of christ
-Last Phone Call: karla last night
-Last CD You listened to: nirvana
-Last Bubble Bath You took: dont remember
-Last Song You listened to: when i come around, i know it doesnt add up to the last cd but trust me
-Last Fight: been a while, ive had arguements but not fights
8 Have You Ever...
-Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: yes
-Have You Ever Been Arrested: Nope and dont plan to be
-Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no
-Have You Ever Been on TV: the news when i was about 12
-Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: definitly
-Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: yes unfortunately
-Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: Again, yea
-Have You Ever Been out of the Country: No
7 Things You are Wearing...
– left sock
– right sock
6 Things You've Done Today...
– ate breakfast
- played with chubs my dog
- watched a movie
- checked my email
- read alittle from my book
- started this survey
- 5 Favorite Things (no specific order)...
4 People You Most Trust (no specific order)...
- my older brother
-Vanilla or Chocolate: chocolate
-Hugs or Kisses: hugs
-Pens or Pencils: Pens.
2 Things You Want to do Before You Die...
- have a family
- go sky diving
1 Person You Want to see
- Jacob, my older brother
i remember swimming with razor sharp nails.
i remember a guy who didnt want to show emotion.
i remember "squishy"
i remember halloween fog coming from the inside of the truck
i remember a bear who took me in. (teddy or otherwise)
i remember the ice fight at 10 pm
i remember a summer without a care.
i remember the materia.
i remember a pole being in the way of returning one girl home from a night out
i remember gormans generals and the girl who helped me survive while i was there.
i remember the girl who didnt want to learn to swing dance.
i remember the group that told me its ok to be who you are.
i remember a guy who had to apologize for things he had said.
i remember the good and bad times.
you know things in life seem to be all fucked up right now. ive told someone who was supposed to be my bestfriend that i cant put up with the lack of attention i recieve. i try to keep in touch but without numbers its so hard and whenever i do call i almost always recieve an answer by the voice mail machine and i hate it. ive been working so hard at getting over my fear of loneliness but i dont think this is one i can face head on. thats whats happening. i know i havent posted in a while and this is depressing but i am reading about how my friends are falling apart; arguing, backstabbing, etc. this is a group whom used to be so close that you couldnt have said hi to one without getting 8 responses. i would choose not to have this in my life but it is. im losing all the people who have cared about me and who think of me but its.... i dont know.
on the lighter side i have recieved my class B cdl. anyway i have to go im in class right now.